I’m going to turn 38 this coming week and yet I have no one special in my life as a partner. Some people will tell me that I need to find someone soon or that I face the consequence of being single the rest of my life. Others have told me that when I’m ready, I’ll be ready and will manage to find someone.
Still, I don’t think a lot of people understand why I haven’t gotten married or haven’t really pursued marriage. First, the people I have liked in the past got married and probably weren’t the best option for me. Second, I’ve seen a lot of marriages fail or have problems, including my own parents’. It’s given me huge warning signs that have made me extra cautious and forced me to not rush things. I feel as though most people end up getting married for the wrong reasons, sometimes (and primarily) because there’s a lot of unnecessary social pressure to do so. I mean, I have my own conspiracy theories of how governments put pressure via the media, especially in 1st world countries like America or Japan for people to get married and have families. Obviously, it’s a productivity and economic issue for the most part, but to me that’s not a great reason as an individual to force themselves to go out and get married.
Having seen so enough relationships and marriages fail, I concluded that most issues in a relationship occurs over money. Tensions always arise over money, which pretty much changes how people, who are normally in love, perceive each other over time. The same initial feelings are no longer shared over time when bills that cannot be paid, etc. start to creep up. So for myself, I felt that being financially stable is paramount prior to committing myself to a full time relationship.
Another thing is that I simply haven’t found anyone really worth my time and effort. That might sound a little egotistical but let me discuss this in detail. The idea of marriage is about commitment and is a partnership. Knowing full well in advance that the person you will marry most likely will stay with you the rest of your life means that you will somehow have to endure each other no matter what. It’s more than just a physical relationship too. It’s the mental and emotional aspects that people tend to forget.
For myself, I want a true soul mate. It’s rare finding that person who feels equally invested into you and vice versa. I consider myself somewhat “difficult” in that I am multifaceted and have certain complexities that require a great amount of patience to deal with. I have a maturity issue and have grown comfortable with my personality such that I slowly become less willing to compromise on aspects as I grow older.
Try telling that to someone you meet on the street and see how they’ll take it. It’s not easy. The other person has their issues too. They have their needs and wants and own complexities. As someone who can put themselves in other people’s shoes, I fully understand how someone might be hesitant to deal with a personality like mine, which is why I describe the thing I want most is a “soul mate.”
Of course, everyone has their fantasy partner. I mean, if Charlize Theron or Norika Fujiwara randomly walked up to me on the street and asked me to marry them, I wouldn’t hesitate. At the same time, there’s going to be a moment where we’ll probably clash. In my situation, I’d have everything to lose while they could just walk away and find someone else just as easily. So I have to be realistic to a degree as well.
The other thing about me is that outside of my mom’s issue, I’m comfortable being single. I often hear about my married friends and how much independence they give up. Certainly, I miss out on many aspects of marriage, but the independence thing is one I’d certainly have to give up. With the right person, I don’t think I’d have to worry about this aspect as much. I enjoy having freedom so the person who I’d marry I feel would want the same thing for themselves.
At any rate, I don’t take the idea of marriage lightly. Being in a relationship is one thing but it’s not to the level of commitment as marriage. The stakes are just too high to throw out the word so casually.