Should I Bother Anymore?

I always tried my best to keep in contact with my friends in Japan. I understand that people are busy and many might have difficulty responding to me as a result of the language barrier. However, there are those that I think I’ve tried too hard and that they either lost interest in me in some way or never had interest to start with.

I’m wondering if I should even bother dealing with those types of people anymore or if it’s just a waste of time. I think if I cut them off permanently, I wouldn’t have to worry anymore and can just move on and continue focusing on my life, lessening the burden and focusing on new things.

On the other hand, the ones that I’m speaking of are those that I wish I could have a relationship with. I don’t have a lot of options these days so it makes decisions like this for me really tough.

An Interesting Thought About Death

A friend from college once asked me some psychological questions that eventually led to the conclusion of what I perceived death would look like. After I learned the intent of her inquisition, I refined the answer about what death would look like.

My vision was more or less like what Gandalf described in Peter Jackson’s Return of the King. That is, a huge field with blue skies, some clouds and an open plain that the eye could never perceive the end. My refined answer was basically my home where all the people I cared about in my past attended a huge backyard BBQ during a summer afternoon.

At the moment, I’m actually torn because I feel betrayed somehow  and that the easiest thing to do would be to remove everyone from that list. Maybe the after life for me  would simply be my house with just myself, my stuffed animals and possessions.

Conspiracy Theory Related to Food, Exercise and Productivity

I’ve been working out again recently, but I haven’t done a great job of losing weight. Part of it is my eating habits, which admittedly are pretty poor. But I’ve developed poor eating habits as a result of never having good guidance as a child and then later turning to fast food during my adolescence. And despite being quite aware of these conditions, it’s really close to impossible changing one’s habits, especially when one’s motivation diminishes on a daily basis.

Anyway, a thought occurred to me the other day how this relates to exercise. Next to my gym, there’s a Hometown Buffet. I remember spotting near the exit a flyer for LA Fitness. Now, think about this. A buffet next to a gym. Isn’t that ironic or even oxymoronic? And the fact that the gym places advertisements in the buffet is even more suspicious.

Of course, you can deduce that the gym is attempting to “help” the people at the buffet by providing a rather overt hint. Usually though, the people at the buffet are not the types that would go to the gym in the first place (until it’s absolutely the last straw). Still, if you think about it, the way human’s rationalize things like this most likely looks like, “Well, if I go to the gym, I can go back to the buffet guilt free.” Or something like that.

Of course, that’s not the reality in all of this.

But if you further expand this notion, you start to think of how all this is pretty fucked up. First, the thing is that people (at least in America) are for the most part hooked up into the whole fast food/poor eating situation because we’re trained from birth to eat this kind of food. Despite warnings from doctors, etc. we still consume food like this and as a result gain weight.

Those of us that manage to partly break this cycle attempt to remedy this situation through hitting the gym. And as we age, we have to put more effort since most of our metabolisms slow. By the time we finish our routine, we’re completely spent.

This whole cycle to me is just part of the whole productivity cycle that we’re locked into. We’re constantly occupied and too tired or lack the time to break out of it. And if you’re into conspiracy theories, this is exactly what George Carlin’s Owners want. To keep you in a pacified mode so that they continue to maintain a gigantic machine where only a select few control the important decisions in this world, while the rest of us slave away trying to just maintain ourselves.

Of course, the government would be involved in this. I mean, the FDA allows the fast food industry to keep shoveling down poor choices by the large corporations that constantly spend huge dollars lobbying and bribing the government. And it, for the most part, works in the government’s favor as the vast majority of us are rendered impotent, alienated and dispersed from halting this cycle.

Truthfully, on a totalistic scale, I don’t care…at least with regards to the vast majority of people out there. I’ve learned that people already have made and accepted their destiny in taking mini-bribes through their shallow,  demeaning materialistic existence that transiently satisfies their lusts.

For myself, I do care because I’m not part of the so-called Owners and want a piece of that action. But that’s a different topic.

Clean Slate

Lately, I’ve been mentally just non-existent. I’ve been having severe feelings or rather the lack thereof. My life has been a void when I’m not at work. At work, I have somewhat of a purpose. At home, I feel like an empty shell with no direction.

Part of me wants a clean slate. The new job has been great. It’s what I definitely needed as part of my life. Outside of work though, I need something new. Ever since I found out that Reina Miyauchi got hitched, Norika Fujiwara got a new boyfriend and various other people had their own love interest, I felt as though huge segments of my life just vanished.

In some cases, it was good. For instance, I ditched Crazy. I think I hurt myself really badly by letting myself get manipulated by her and retain any semblance of hope being tied to dating her. I missed numerous opportunities and threw some down the drain. But a few weeks ago she tried bugging me and I finally told her what she needed to hear and what I needed to say.

Part of me feels as though I need to do more of this. Some friends probably think I’m avoiding them on purpose. I have to admit, it’s probably true. My reasoning is that I just need to start from scratch at times and create an entirely new environment.

I kinda wonder at times, if I should just completely forget Japan altogether. It had become such a consuming point of my existence that it might’ve hurt me. Just move on and create a new dream that doesn’t include Japan. I like Japan still, but at times I feel as though it neglects me in an either abstract or spiritual sense. If I continue to harbor my emotional ties to it, I might just continue damaging my life.

Unfortunately, if I reboot myself this time, I’ll have absolutely no direction. Most likely I would just do things like terminate Facebook or start a blank account that no one can find. But I want to do something even more drastic. I need to in order for me to gain full expression.

Another part of me is thinking of just saving up a ton of money so that in a few years, I can move to a desolated mountain. Essentially, I would make an attempt to cut myself from most of the world. My existence would appear forlorn and lonely, but the only person that could remind me of that is myself. I think I would just want my connection to Amazon, internet access, ebay, food and some postal service. That would be enough.

 

Norika Fujiwara, Do NOT Date That Chode!!!!!!

To Norika Fujiwara,

Do not date that total chode stock analyst for my sake. Do you realize that you’re dating a crook? People in finance are for the most part crooks. That guy doesn’t give a crap about you. You’re a token wife to him. You’re just something that he can show off, but he has no true emotions towards you. He’ll still hit the local hostess bars and delivery health spots when you’re not looking. You definitely deserve better.

If you think your previous sham of a marriage hurt you, then this one will destroy your perception of men. Or are you only looking for someone who can financially support your high taste? If it’s the latter case, then everything you’ve done in your career will be considered hallow because this move will clearly demonstrate that you have no taste in people and are a shallow person.

I respected you for the longest time, but this might be the last straw. If you truly care, drop this fucker and save Japan for a good reason. I do have the power to obliterate it. Do you feel the earthquakes? They are symbolic representations each time my heart is broken by someone I care about who marries some stupid fucker. You were one of my last hopes. But I’ve learned that I have a direct relationship to Japan spiritually that hinges upon people like yourself making the right choices in this world. Do you want to end the hope of Japan with the wrong decision? Don’t be responsible for this act. The fate of Japan truly is in your hands.

Fulfillig Albeit Brutal Week

These past two weeks quite a roller coaster ride in terms of intensity at the office. Crunch time was about us but for the most part we managed to deliver the product. Management was quite happy and we got our first customer on board. Although it’s still in a beta (pre-alpha?) phase, the whole point was to launch something, iterate and receive feedback to improve the product.

With the product launched, there’s a little more breathing room in terms of fixing things up and getting it to where it needs to be. Of course, the road to getting to that point wasn’t easy. For myself, I spent more than one night up quite late into the night tearing my hair out in trying to get the thing to a semi-usable state. And there were some umadbro moments too.

From an application point of view, I think the biggest issue was organization, especially on the client-side (i.e. Javascript). As a result, I started looking for a framework to help resolve some of the architectural issues and believe I have found a pretty damn good solution called JavascriptMVC. Once I evaluate it at home, I’ll write more on it.

The good thing is that with the application pushed to production, I was able to make my long awaited return to the gym. So far, I managed to hit four days this week, which is pretty good. However, I still have to get back to my old schedule and level, so I feel I’m a long way off. I have more than one reason to hit the gym but I’ll explore that topic in another blog post.

Returning to the topic of work, outside of the project going live, there were some other major points of good news. First, we got a small round of venture debt funding. So already we began hiring in the sales and client support area. Don’t know when some of these people will be coming in, but it’s always a great sign when a company makes an effort to hire.

Another cool thing was that my company was on NBC LA. We had a nice video on one of two big start ups in LA. The online video had a nice sampling of the company and its culture. I was happy that my ugly mug barely made it on camera (I have zero photogenic attributes). However, the fact we made it on camera and on a section of the news again demonstrated a positive facet for my company.

The week had its down moments as well. But I want to address the particular issue in a separate blog. Of course, I’m still trying to make my way on World of Warcraft. Kinda getting bored of it though. Need to find something else to do because it’s becoming really repetitive at the moment.

Anyway, next week ought to be another intense week. Or maybe it might not be depending on how far we can get with our fixes.

My Remaining Reasons to Get Married

I’m truly ambivalent of being in a relationship and single at different times. Being single is great on the one hand for me because I don’t have any obligations to anyone except myself. I’m so used to being alone that I’ve kinda given up on the thought of getting into a relationship again. I mean, if I suddenly lost my job then it wouldn’t matter as I have no one but myself to feed. And in that sense, I don’t have to worry much because I’m not a huge eater (I was living off one meal a day at one point).

However, at the moment I’ve been in crunch mode. Not my first nor certainly my last. If my work would ask me to do weekends, there’s not a lot of excuses that I can make. Married people though can get out of things with the kid or wife is sick excuse. This situation along with other reasons got me thinking about this post where I wanted to discuss my remaining motivations to get married.

With regards to work, there’s a huge pragmatic aspect to getting married. Naturally, having a family does allow some tax breaks. Of course, I would be sharing that income, but that’s besides the point. At least, on paper, my take home pay does improve somewhat. And as mentioned above, the wife (if I ever get one) can always pull me away from my job and I can grovel to my superior.

Yet there’s another aspect for me that’s important, which is dinner. I tend to eat poorly when I go home. I think if I had a wife, I imagine that she would be responsible for cooking. If not, at least I won’t be the sole person handling the decision making process for food. And anyone who knows me well would realize that I have an impossible time perpetually making a decision on what to eat.

Another thing is that I may or may not have to worry as much about physical fitness. I figure one of two things can happen: 1) the wife will force me to eat better and we hit the gym; 2) the wife will not care and I can forget for the rest of my life to worry about such things. More than likely, the situation will end up being something in the middle. But I think at least the stress in the back of my mind of not going to the gym as often as I need or losing motivation ought to subside somewhat.

Having an activity partner. I got ditched on a Vegas trip recently and ended up squandering one night’s room. I seriously doubt that if I were married this problem would ever occur again. Similarly, I wouldn’t ever have to worry about traveling by myself and can actually go more interesting places. Right now, I rarely leave my home outside of occasionally seeing a friend or two or going to work.

Having someone to talk to at night. I cannot converse with my mom any longer. I get better reactions talking to my sink. And even though I have friends, I can’t confide every little thing with them. Hopefully, if I get married, the wife will be a person who has no problem understanding (and wanting to understand) me. Maybe some of my so-called sanity problems that people perceive about me might dissolve over time.

Having someone to help me out once in a while. At home, I feel like I get almost no help. Although I live with my mom, she does little to nothing in terms of maintaining the house. It’s frustrating because previously we had a large fight about the whole home ownership issue. Yet she felt the house was hers so I decided to let her deal with most of the problems. That said, it’s rough living in such filth. I lose so much motivation when I’m here and just prefer staying in my room whenever I have my private time. I rarely clean up except when things become extreme. I’m not saying I want a completely enslaved wife, but at least someone who can lend a hand once in a while.

For me it’s not just about having sex or a kid for looking like a normal person’s sake. I think the second to last point is one of the most important to me. Finding that type though has been impossible and I feel as though there’s not a lot of hope left for me.