Some sadistic jerk in from one of the Twitch streams I subscribe to made a suggestion to check out Megan Is Missing because the streamer enjoys “fuck up things.” Since I haven’t seen a movie in a while (at least a non-repeat), I decided to hang out and give this thing a try. If you don’t want to take a bazooka and blow your head off after seeing this piece of shit, then you must be far more fucked up than everyone involved in this production and the real events.
The movie starts off with your typical “This movie is based on real events.” You know that hook that’s supposed to make you invested even more so in the story. Once the movie started flowing and we see some stupid teenage girls, I knew immediately we were in for shit. The movie itself gives itself away from the start just with the title. Add the “This movie is based on real events” and you have to ask yourself, “Why the fuck would I watch something like this?”
Well, of course, if you’re fucked up and you’re not some 13 year old angst ridden teen, you might want to stick around. The beginning establishes the relationship between two BFFs: Megan Stewart and Amy Herman. If you watch this at home by yourself, do yourself an immediate favor and find a good sound track because you will lose brain cells putting up with their mindless banter. The first horrible quarter or half tries to establish what typical teenagers apparently do these days by having them name drop pop culture references, talk about guys or girls and suggest drugs, alcohol and sexual tension. At the fucking age of 13 and 14 mind you!
So supposedly some of these kids decide to hit a party. We’re then subjected to why MTV should be made illegal and how the producers of every reality show in Hollywood ought to be tossed into an active volcano (along with the lawyers, politicians, accountants and upper management of this world). In short, we see these teenagers somehow managing to slip into a house party where a bouncer with a cheap K-mart flashlight obnoxiously torments each person before letting them in, despite the fact that these little fucks are very obviously 13 and 14! How this guy got a job at all is a wonder.
Regardless, jr high school students act like jr high school students, thinking that they are cool by attending a party and feeling like they have a life (and again I emphasize that if we discover whoever coined this term should be hurled into the center of the galaxy at light speed should we discover him/her). They sniff coke, each other, do booze, listen to shit music and give each other blow jobs and lesbo lickings while not being able to handle half a beer and immediately puking over the side.
In short, this film just tries to shock you by showing adults (whom I believe this film ended up being targeted) what these rowdy teenagers are doing these days. The best part is just how fucking long the director arbitrarily decides to linger on these shots. Stabbing your nuts with acid soaked spoons a hundred times would feel far more pleasant than the amount of time the director spends trying to hammer in a nonexistent point into the audience.
Of course, once the party is over, what do we see? The hangover! But it’s not funny just more random banter between the two BFFs. One of the girls hints at eventually running away from her family because she’s oppressed as a upper middle classed unappreciative little fuck since her mom wants her to sleep. Gee, how many adults are so lucky to get sleep these days?
Anyway, clumsily the director navigates through some other friend banter and we end up meeting some guy named Josh. Apparently, he’s also called Skater Dude (literally, they call him Skater Dude) and he’s obviously a douchebag to anyone who isn’t under the age of still inside the uterus. However, Megan who has no sense of people whatsoever decides to like him because he “looks like Brad Pitt” (yes, the bleach blond hair is a dead giveaway). The way Skater Dude tries to get into Megan’s loins is so god awful bad that your bowels will beg you dive into a pit of acid because you’ll never want to digest food again. She doesn’t really play a good hard to get with this guy and idiotically agrees to meet up with him at a party.
Skankilly after the “call”, she gets up to find the sluttiest outfit and brags to her friend that she decided after all to hit the party. Next day, she shows up on screen again but without any memory of the party. She doesn’t even question her lack of remembering anything. But she does confront Josh on how he apparently stiffed her. In a very creepy fashion, he answers her challenge in seeing her by detailing exactly what she wore at that party. Despite all the signs of “get the fuck away!” from this asshole’s dialog, she decides that she still likes him. Oh the best line in the movie is, “I am worth fighting for” from Megan. I mean, is this a war with your local ant hill when they invade your kitchen? Anyway, he asks her to meet him at some burger shop BEHIND THE FUCKING BURGER SHOP. This bimbo ends up agreeing to his suggestion.
Why the fuck would anyone with at least two brain cells agree to meet a stranger they’ve never physically met/seen in the back of a burger shop????????
So that’s the last we see of Megan (well kinda…)
Next up is her friend Amy who is concerned (with a smile on her face from such incredible acting) about her friend’s disappearance. Of course, she contacts Josh because Josh is Skater D00d and is a bro and is kewl and is…the last person supposedly Megan hung out with. And despite accusing this motherfucker that she senses something wrong, she still contacts him! Well, there goes that cover.
We get some spoofed up Hollywood news reporter shit that I think is supposed to be Nancy Grace. The police are shown with the underage Amy so now everyone knows who Amy is. EVERYONE.
Amy’s classmates start treating Amy like shit and her world descends as she continues making crappy videos of her emo state, one of which showed this creeper in the background supposedly watching her. Well, of course, we think the guy in the video is a creeper because we are now all suspicious. But it could be also some bystander who might think this girl is a stupid emo talking to herself because she is a walking mental fuck.
The next time she does one of these videos she gets caught…by a LONG ARM. The LONG ARM pauses just as the video she’s composing pauses. Now, she’s in the captor’s hands and we’re taken to the stereotypical backwoods, dungeon of some stalker. The last part gets really creepy as the scenes are prolonged shots of Amy crying and begging forgiveness while this idiot captor apparently records everything for god knows what reasons. She feeds on either dog or cat food on a bowl on the ground and is made to grovel and eat before receiving her teddy bear. We do get a few captivating pictures of the friend though in what looked like a cheap Halloween emo jack-in-the-box costume.
Eventually, we get a supposedly controversial rape scene. Truthfully, I couldn’t see what was controversial about it. Amy’s face was lying on a wooden table with a hole on it (presumably the same one her friend as the jack-in-the-box costume had worn), with a hand shoving her head against the table while some person sounds like he’s sawing wood. The other hand eventually comes into view bloody and we can presume he broke her maidenhead (what a great name, huh?) and hear the harsh breathing another prolonged period.
Next, probably the only true disturbing image of the film is shown where the rapist gets her to open a small blue plastic barrel to unveil…her friend with funky eyes. I mean, what else can you say? It’s shot so briefly and the camera moves away that you can’t digest what the hell you just saw. But you’re supposed to be disturbed because of the eyes.
Now, we get to the epic finale….of the fucking rapist digging a fucking hole for 10+ minutes! 10+ fucking minutes of some guy just digging dirt. Yes, she had been put in the barrel with her friend’s corpse and we can hear her sanity depleting as she begs Josh to not kill her and how she loves him. But it’s still 10+ fucking minutes of this asshole digging into the ground! Then he fucking puts the dirt on the barrel after taking 10 seconds of shoving the barrel into the ground! Another 5+ minutes wasting my life watching this turdball cover her up. She weeps and those sobs slowly are muted by the encroaching dirt. Then he walks off for a few minutes.
Mercifully, the film pretty much ends there. We go back naturally to the friends to show how happy they were from an earlier shot as the casting credits roll.
Holy crap what did I watch? Why the hell did I do this to myself?
Okay, before I get shit on by people who say, “Well, internet rape is wrong!” Let me say this: this fucking movie is wrong! If the movie’s message was to warn kids and parents about the dangers of online predators then it has a very distorted way of handling it. First, this movie is classified as a horror. Yes, I am horrified….horrified that this movie is legal. I mean, it’s so bad that I’m surprised anyone involved are still alive or in the public eye.
Second, I must’ve missed the whole “internet rape is wrong” message because I hated everyone in this movie (except the lead reporter girl Yvette…she’s hot!) There is no redeeming person in this movie to make me sympathetic towards (outside of Yvette the hot lead reporter). Am I supposed to feel bad about the two girls? Both of them are portrayed as typical valley bimbos. Worse yet, the movie states that one was a straight A student. Was her teachers grading her on breathing? What does this imply for straight F students?
Next, their families sucked. They lived in extremely sheltered upper middle type of homes where the parents hardly were around or did little to monitor their children’s activities. Why are 13 or 14 year olds escaping to parties that the parents know nothing about? The mom for one girl was too busy selling real estate (reminding us of Kevin Spacey’s wife from American Beauty) and the husband was working long hours. So what you’re telling me is that Americans only care about upward mobility, token families with suburban homes that look great so that their kids can go to parties that support the commodification of all the bullshit that MTV sells us and later hope that because the education system now passes people who just need to be able to swallow food so that their kids can get a gratuitous degree at Harvard and help the parents’ retire? Is that the true message of this movie?
That’s what I got out of it.
Forget this Josh guy. We can’t even figure out anything about him. He’s just a typical faceless predator. We assign him the cool image of the Skater D00d because that’s what teenage girls are into, right? That never has changed apparently since I was growing up.
And how about the shitty news reporters and police. Can’t catch this guy. A fucking guy. A single fucking guy. Who apparently had his audio on some girl’s computer (or more). I thought the taxpayers pay the NSA to catch assholes like this by making a copy of all our online activities. Why didn’t Amy upon suspecting this fucker just use some tool to record this guy’s voice when she was speaking to him then handing it over to the police so that they could possibly trace the origins?
At any rate, you can tell just how frustrated I was at this movie. The people in chat were equally frustrated (if not more). This wasn’t a “fucked up” movie because of the shock value. It’s a “fucked up” movie because it’s so stupid. It’s mind blowing stupid. The best actor in the entire movie is a fucking random moth captured while the rapist was digging the grave. Am I supposed to feel anger after seeing this movie? Was that the intent? Anger towards what?
I tell you, I really wished that the sun could go supernova and just wipe out humanity after seeing this movie. Not because I hated Josh, the parents, the stupid kids at the party, the incompetent police, the irresponsible reporters and even the director (whom I hope is shot into the moon without a space suit as a NASA experiment). I hated this movie because it makes you hate. EVERYTHING. It makes you hate life. It makes you not want to be human or even admitting to be human. There is no redeeming quality from this movie. I felt after seeing this movie my IQ plummeted to the negatives. It ripped all feeling from me except raw hate.
My only hope is that the director is sent to the middle of the ocean where he’s condemned to dig a hole to the other side of the world using a plastic knife for the rest of his life. Or maybe someone should rape him, stuff him into a barrel and dig for hours upon hours before shoving him into that hole and covering for hours upon hours that barrel.