Ever Wonder When and How You Will Die?

I used to worry quite a bit about when and how I would die. Would it be from a disease? A stroke? Car accident? Plane crash by terrorism? Or when. When I was too young? At my peak? Too old to care anymore?

I stopped wondering and started asking can it come sooner. The method won’t really matter but I anticipate that it will be a very lonely death. I believe I am destined to that. I think I have accumulated too much bad karma in my life. My biggest fear wasn’t stairs, nor a certain movie, nor the popping of a balloon or bugs. All this time it’s been dying in solitude.

If there was a single person in this world that I truly wronged it was my father. When he needed me the most, I did nothing to care for him. I didn’t do enough and let him die alone in a feeble, stroke induced state. Although I managed to see him one last time before he left the world, I feel that the damage I had done was enough. I could see in his eyes when my mom and I stood near his bed at the nursing home that we weren’t anything anymore because we left him by himself for too long. Now, I feel his retribution and the karma returning to me.

I suppose I deserve it. I was too selfish when I found out that he first got his stroke to provide him with the proper help. Now, I am paying for it.

Some people who read my Facebook may realize that I was severely hurt tonight. I think it’s the last time I will let myself get hurt like that. But I think it’s either my father’s curse (if you want to call it that), karma, or something that I’ve done returning to me. But I think it’s okay because I can move on.

I can move on in terms of accepting the fate of dying alone. I guess it’s the only righteous thing that I deserve. My ending will not be that of a fairy tale type. Instead, I will die quietly, alone, without mourning. I don’t mind. I don’t want people to mourn me. My life for the most part has been insignificant and I lacked something whether it was destiny, courage, size, looks, luck, etc. to go beyond my capabilities. My problem has been that I always aspired beyond the attributes given to me. I was not humble enough to accept the things granted to me and thus I took life for granted.

Tomorrow I fly out of Tokyo. In my recent fantasy novel, I had forgone writing a beginning that leads to my character entering into a fantasy world (similar to Thomas Covenant in Stephen R Donaldson’s White Gold series). The reason why is because I already knew the beginning but did not want to say it directly. Whenever I write something, it becomes true. So, I had waited until tonight to declare the beginning.

Near the beginning of my story, my character is about to leave Japan when the airplane receives some engine trouble. So it plummets to the earth and supposedly all the passengers die. However, I wake up in a strange world and am captured by orcs and tortured.

Originally, I did not want to write that part because I was worried that something good would’ve happened while I was in Japan (i.e. finding a girlfriend). But since that did not happen, I feel free to declare that as how my character entered the fantasy world. The thing was that my character left Japan as a result of being extremely sad and cursed the world for causing him grief. In turn, he enters a world that is able to accept him and where his existence has the potential to make a true difference and have meaning.

Some may call my writing a sob story that stinks of self pity. I call it therapy because I prefer writing something that helps me attempt to deal with my life. This story isn’t for other people, just myself.

That said, if tomorrow by sheer coincidence a UFO shoots my plane from the air and I depart this earth into a different realm or dimension, I won’t be scared nor regretful. I think I lived enough here on this world and am ready to accept whatever fate that may bring me.

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