en-us http://www.keithwatanabe.net/index.php Keith Watanabe's Website http://www.keithwatanabe.net/blogs/2008/5/23/e0f38267970b69ae5c533f56afea5be9.html
I had watched a TV show called "Densha Otoko" which profoundly affected me. I had been going through a serious sense of depression partly from prematurely leaving Japan, suffering from the banality of living in LA again, and longing to be in Tokyo to be with my friends once again. Seeing this series, I saw something directly connected with myself and the character Densha Otoko. Matter of fact, I believed that character was me (and still do). I got seriously emotionally attached to the character that when I got a second chance at living in Japan, I hopped aboard to seek my destiny out there in trying to find my own Hermes.

Everything was pointing in the right direction. America was screwed up with the re-elected George Bush. Gas prices were on the rise. Many of my friends were moving back to Japan. The acceptance of otaku (geeks) looked promising. That show was almost like a clue from God to return to reclaim my legacy with all the environmental variables being set.

I got back and almost got slammed on my face immediately. There was a woman whom I thought was a good friend of mine at NCG who simply got mad at me for calling her up too much (I just wanted to talk). Never would take any of my phone calls again. Most of my old friends were too busy to converse with me much. Then I got into that horrid insurance company.

On the other hand, I met some new friends and was creating a new network. Better yet, I got a chance to meet this really beautiful lady whom I was friends with. Just before I left Japan the previous time, I had a second chance to reconnect with her. But we mostly just emailed. The first time I met her was at a party in Ebisu at an English conversation cafe. She was thoroughly drunk and this other Japanese guy was hitting on her, probably wanting to snatch her back to his home for a one night stand. We ended up going to an English pub around the area and I purposely ditched the guy and helped her to get to the station. My good deed of the night was to lead her safely to the subway without manipulating her or using her condition to take her home. Thereafter, I managed to meet up again with her but lost contact (my fault) and wasn't able to reconnect until that party again.

Fast forward to that point where I was back in .jp and seeing her again. At one point, I thought to myself the parallels between my life at that point and Densha Otoko's. Was it coincidence? Maybe God's hand was injected to help me?

To some degree I lived up to the story. Trying to dress better around her, exercising, doing whatever I could to change myself to make myself more attractive. But the bait never bit.

Then around February after my birthday hit. I was severely hurt when I couldn't get a simple dinner with her. I had been going through some emotional issues, facing loneliness and bitterness in the winter cold. It was a terrible time for me because I had been socially screwing up left and right. I kept saying the wrong things to all the women around me and basically alienated myself. I never meant to hurt or disrespect anyone, but things became that way.

Even between those periods, my self portrayal of Densha Otoko was a parody. Basically, imagine the TV show except that I had no encouragement, just discouragement, more obstacles stacked up against me and me losing each time.

A while back I started watching the Godfather series and found a new character to identify with: Michael Corleone. I admire this guy. Just ruthless. Becomes completely paranoid and isolated as everyone fears him. But he has control and power. And of course in the infamous moment in part 2, he orders the death of his brother for injuring him. I thought, "Wow!" That's a powerful statement!

Of course, in Part 3, he's sickly, older, and lost everything except his empire of fortune. And he dies in the end, alone, miserable and full of regret.

My life feels like a mix between 2 & 3. I feel myself growing more paranoid, getting backstabbed by family, allies or people close to me. Fortunately or unfortunately depending on how you look at things, I don't have the authority nor power to give orders. But for some odd reason I completely identify with Michael Corleone, someone who unwillingly got into the mob because he was trying to protect his family. At the basics, Michael has a good heart and was trying to do what was in the best interest for his family, but he loses the ability to handle things because of his growing paranoia. Personally, I've felt that the story has some interesting lessons in dealing with life. It's survival from my point of view.

Despite all this, I wonder if me watching this movie has moved my life into this direction, or if I'm already in this direction and this movie is hyperinflating my belief system (similar to what Densha Otoko had done).

My verdict for myself is that even if I want to be Densha Otoko, I am Michael Corleone. And I can't go back.]]> Fri, 23 May 2008 14:50:37 -0600 http://www.keithwatanabe.net/blogs/2008/5/23/e0f38267970b69ae5c533f56afea5be9.html