en-us http://www.keithwatanabe.net/index.php Keith Watanabe's Website http://www.keithwatanabe.net/blogs/2008/1/13/3dcbf3f295b815c4e17b5f894d83803c.html UCI once remarking about the author Saul Bellow in one of his novels, The Victim. The novel depicted the city, particularly New York City, as an alienated zone. I suppose the vastness of the city and the difficulty of being able to interact with people created a sense of isolation. This premise is very much and perhaps truer in Tokyo.

I think I wrote about this but today I had a shot of depression as I was returning from a small trip to Ueno en route to Hiroo. I emailed a coworker asking for dinner sometime this week if she wasn't busy. I received a brisk reply that she anticipated being busy. Likewise, this entire weekend was pretty quiet. There was a TLUG meeting on Saturday but I honestly did not want to go, due to the poor weather conditions. Earlier today, I had sent out numerous email messages to friends, but received no reply. Then on the way back home, I suddenly got really angry (perhaps my blood pressure was a bit high after chomping on Nathan's hot dogs over in Hiroo, combined with listening to ear pressure pumping heavy metal on my iPod). I resolved to simply turn off my keitai (cellphone) because I didn't want anyone bothering me anymore.

Of course, I turned it back on when I got home, but it's not as if people eagerly were bombarding me with phone calls and text messages. I don't know what it is. Are people just busy? Or am I unwanted? Or does this climate of Tokyo just prevent people from easily accessing each other?

For myself, it's been kinda sad recently. I just got back in contact with my friend Mio and discovered she had been working at a bar quite close to my office. However, just this Thursday she returned to Hawaii for her part time job. And then another friend from my previous office I found out is trying to date some goober at that other office. I kept warning her away from those people, but I guess my allusions to their dastardly demeanor fell on deaf ears. Then there was one of my longer time friends here who rarely sees me anymore. I finally (almost a year now!) managed to get a simple appointment, but that's only at the very end of February! On top of that most of my other friends have girlfriend, have gotten married and are having children and simply do not have time for me. Or that they don't even bother trying to make time for me.

At this time, I kinda debate whether or not it's a personality flaw with me or whether it's Tokyo. Since coming to Tokyo, I definitely feel I've changed somewhat. Maybe I've become more cynical since my sense of identity has been flattened, decimated, and transformed from an idealistic youth, to a sardonic, foul mouthed chump. Worse yet, I don't see my personality changing for the better as I grow older, more bitter and begin consolidating my belief set. Without question, changing jobs and departing the finance industry have vastly improved my mental disposition as of late, but I can't shake this dreary feeling that is at the core of a lot of my problems.

Probably the worst thing is that I just feel so dreadfully alone at times. Coming home sucks because there really isn't anyone to talk to nor hang out with. Sadly, I just talk to my Giraffe (no joke) because there's no one else around. Of course, with regards to Tokyo/Japan, I think the largest issue is just that I lack good Japanese skills. This is killing me because I don't have the confidence to go up to just anyone and make casual talk like I would in English. Yeah, I really believe that this ought to be the #1 thing I focus on this year, since it probably will resolve a lot of problems.]]> Sun, 13 Jan 2008 12:49:00 -0700 http://www.keithwatanabe.net/blogs/2008/1/13/3dcbf3f295b815c4e17b5f894d83803c.html