Keith Watanabe * NET 2.0

I got up at a normal time today, despite feeling physically down after drinking the previous night with a coworker.  My keitai battery had somehow lost all energy; I realized I forgot to plug it in this morning so I'm amazed at how I was able to wake up.  Before taking a shower, I had a few chores to run because I was preparing for my last day in the office.  I somehow managed to drag my recently inert tub to the office.  In the morning, I had a brief chat with a coworker as she came to say goodbye to me.  Afterwards, I decided to do my main task for the day: call my mom.

Her tone came in normal but the next words she uttered would be something I'd not forget until the end of my life:

"Dad passed away last night."

This whole day I've been in a funk.  I'm just devastated.  Every time I called my mom, truthfully I was always scared to hear those words.  Somehow I knew that it was inevitable.  Just not this soon.  The worst two things for me are that I'm going to fly out tomorrow and that I had an opportunity to return to LA two weeks back.  I had been planning to see my dad this Sunday once I got back.  Now, it looks like I'll never see him again.

I don't know when the funeral arrangements will be made, but I'll stay in LA as long as I need to.  I'm really worried about my mom and her mental condition.  Originally, I was planning to go to LA to help fix our old, leaky roof.  More importantly though, I really wanted to see my dad and make sure he was doing okay. 

Right now, I feel so empty.  I feel angry, sad, depressed, frustrated, anything but happy.  This isn't the way I wanted things to turn out.  I wanted to help him out by launching a successful application, having Google or Yahoo buy it out and take the money and give it to my mom so she could pay for his medical bills and give him better facilities.  Certainly, he wasn't going to ever recover unless some miracle in medicine would happen during our lifetime.  At the very least, I wanted him to be comfortable.

I think the saddest two images for me about my dad are seeing him in his little blanket, curled up in such uncomfortable positions trying to sleep or get around in his bed at the nursing home and knowing that my dad died in pain so alone.  I wish I was there for him at least to see him every day and make sure he wasn't by lonely.  I totally fucked up and regret it.