Keith Watanabe * NET 2.0

Remember those stupid polls you'd take your senior year about "most likely to succeed", "best looking", "craziest," "biggest fistfuck around?"  I hated those things because I realized from an early age that things like that meant nothing.  They assigned silly meaning to a tiny sphere of influence in this universe.  What was strange though was that no one ever had the "least" category like "least likely to not work at a gas station," or "least likely to not take a syringe" (so I'm making double negatives; sue me).  But I suddenly realized that I wish there was a least popular or better yet, most hated category because I want to sign up immediately.

Being least popular isn't the same as most hated, and vice versa.  Least popular just means your invisible.  I feel that way sometimes.  In high school, sometimes I believe that people actively ignored me, except when it was convenient to utilize me for some service.  Out here in Japan, I feel the same way.  I think people want to avoid me for some reason but don't admit it outloud.  Reminds me of this Twilight Zone episode two decades ago where this guy was stamped with something that made him an exile.  His punishment was that no one was allowed to speak with him, even other people with the same punishment.  He was allowed to do anything he wanted, including theft, but in the end, he longed for human companionship. 

In my case, I almost feel like I can do what I want.  I practically can say anything, although recently I've been admonished about my foul language (don't give a crap anyway).  I can't steal so that's the only hardship I'd face in comparison.  However, a primary difference at this
moment is that I'm slowly losing my desire to long for human companionship.  It's getting disappointing.  You try your best, you try to be who you are, and then you get shot down.  People wonder why I'm cynical, it's just that it grows gradually.  My cynicism is a virus described at best, the infection growing daily with all the shit, stupidity, and people trying to convince me that I'm fucked up as facilitators in all
of this.  In a way, I kinda wish that someone would come up to me as a representative of this world and just tell me that they don't want
me here.  I wouldn't care nor feel bad, at least I'd hear some honesty for once in my life.  In that sense, I'd actually actively want
to receive the whole least popular vote.  Maybe people won't bother me anymore and I wouldn't be tempted to put anymore faith into people.

Then there's the whole "most hated" category.  I really want this one these days.  I've always said that if I were to become part of wrestling, I'd only be a heel.  I don't think I have to try that hard either at it because I firmly believe most people out there naturally hate me.  It's as if upon seeing me, people seethe with automatic prejudice and determine my background and my relationship with them all at once.  I think being the most hated would be pretty fun too.  My friend from Caltech once told me what the difference between going to getting into Caltech/Heaven and getting into Hell was: you actually have fun getting into Hell.  I thought, "Hey good point."

The main thing about being the most hated is that you really don't have to try for anything.  You don't have to please anyone.  You can
just tell people to fuck off when they annoy you to death.  That's the beauty of it all!  You don't have to worry about people, except
yourself.

I guess if anyone bothered reading such a rant, you'd probably wonder why the sudden expose on this?  Honestly, I'm just fed up trying
to make anyone happy.  I don't feel like trying anymore.  It sucks.  I'm getting old, lazy, fat, and I really don't care anymore.

Right now, I'm sitting at home just after Christmas, playing a stupid video game and I'm actually quite happy for once.  I don't have to
worry about going to a stupid job and dealing with stupid office politics and idiots trying to tell me how to behave.  I can eat what I
want, have my own hours in terms of sleeping, play games as much as I like.  It's great!  I noticed that all my stress occurs whenever
I have to deal with people.  When I'm by myself, everything goes great.  I don't have to take responsibility for anyone except myself.

If I got the most hated category, I'd probably just work for a few more years and then pick up a cheap condo out in Vegas.  Then
I'll live a quiet life with perhaps some job that I can do everything from the interface of a computer.  No interactions, no phone
calls, just email requests.  Very efficient!  Honestly, I don't think it's such a bad idea after all.  Imagine, getting married and
having a bunch of stupid, little brats running around!  Truthfully, I'd hate the idea of having another mini me running around the house.

Anyway, I don't think being the least popular and most hated are such bad things in the end.  It just makes one more self-sufficient.