Keith Watanabe * NET 2.0

not the ozzy song. but sometimes i get this desire for my mind to go blank. permanently. not feel. not worry about problems about my dad, mom, job, health, life, etc. i get these massive mood swings. is this manic depression? maybe it's my diet. but whatever it is, i just don't want to feel. it seems easy. becoming part of oblivion. you see your life one day and what you ought to be, but then you realize that there's all limitations set before you. worse yet, you start to realize what and who you are and the fact that you're in this bound box, unable to escape. you can't even control what your body does to you nor what comes out of your head. it starts to affect you to the point where the word control even has no meaning. you wander, aimless, meandering throughout this world. purpose has no meaning. your purpose is an accident. your existence is a freak accident. just one stab in the chest while you were a fetus and you wouldn't have to worry about this crap around you. i felt sorry before seeing my dad half paralyzed. i think he was crying for three reasons: loneliness, helplessness and the inability and inevitability of oblivion. now, he must think on a daily basis, "is this the last day? i can't even make it my last day!" sometimes i wish i could go up to him and ask, "Do you really want to end it?" i'm certain ever since he was couped up this notion was etched into his mind. yet the doctors coldly hook him up and force us to pay a fine for the governments so-called ethics. suicide is only bad because Christians and God fearing fucks say it's bad. i don't understand why taking away pain is a bad thing. my non-existence on earth provides another job for someone else. there's more soil, more air, more food, more space. i regenerate what's around. if i'm miserable and in pain, i just cause misery to all around me. what kind of productive position is that? if i left, i would leave to escape the pain, suffering, sadness, responsibility, mind, emotion, all these things that bug me. i wouldn't have to worry anymore and no one would ever have to deal with me again. it's not like my existence seems to improve the lives of others in any meaningful nor significant way, except as a dumping ground for their problems.