Keith Watanabe * NET 2.0

my mother is irrecoverably insane. before she was teetering on the edge. now, she's fallen over. tonight she flipped out again. it feels so horrible being here. i feel sick and depressed being at home. everyday for me is a fight with insanity. earlier i had told my mother that i didn't want to eat what she bought. i had been growing sick with the crappy food she buys. for some reason she refuses to take a hint. i told her a while back that i didn't want her to buy me food. she refused to listen back then. so all i did was provide a bit of honesty and told her directly i was going to buy something else. i never asked for a single cent. then suddenly she made a choking motion to herself. it was really freaky. i had already been suffering from severe depression and a headache because of jury duty. how could i eat food that would make me feel worse? so i told her honestly that i would go out. what's wrong with honesty? do i have to lie to myself and my feelings? why should i get sick when i'm already feeling bad as is? so i took a drive. originally, i just wanted del taco. then i upgraded my list to ramen because i needed to drive in the hope of getting rid of my headache. the cool air of the night helped a little and i stopped over at the old Pacific Square just to walk around. very little was open so i went to my other plan of having the ramen. when i returned i felt better from the food and drive. however, my house remained like a haunted mansion, with an eerie glow perpetually emanating from the front window sill. usually, my mom leaves the light on in front for me. this time it wasn't turned on. so i figured things had transgressed to a worse point. inside, my mom lie in a curled fetal position watching the usual poison on TV. i said little and simply took my socks off and left them in the living room. i went to my room to watch the 11th installment of Densha Otoko as my heart was already filled with a great deal of bitterness from such a horrid week. Densha Otoko represents everything good that remains in this world and presents to me my escape and my catharsis to an otherwise wretched existence. towards the end of the show, my mother started cleaning up in a brutal fashion. then like in the past began screaming, "I hate my life!!!!!" she repeated this for at least 15 minutes, more to intimidate me and instill greater guilt in me as she would do in the past. some people feel that i might be cold towards my mother, especially at a time like this in her life. but again i have to ask what about my life? i have given up so much in the past to the point where i feel enslaved like a prisoner with mannacles, chained to my family. i literally am like the main character in Soseki's Kokoro, being forced to return due to filial obligation. my life has always been terrible when it involved my parents. they never saw me as a mature person and never will. this i see now. i feel despite their age, they have regressed to the point of infancy again, clinging to dead memories that meant little in the first place. i had tried warning them many times on how to handle this world. however, the world is far too cunning for them and they, in their weak, anile, and fey minds have never been able to cope. i look at my mom's sickness to only be hyperextended by her unchanging lifestyle. i see how she flocks to the carefully marketed Lifetime network. those shows make women sick and only inflate what they want to see. they are used to enhance the anger and provide a voice for women in an unflattering way. the weak are unable to distinguish the garbage they show, things which exacerbate their fears, angers and concerns. then my mom's diet. although my mom takes blood pressure and cholesterol regulating pills, my mom won't change her diet. she continues to buy the worst items! i truly believe what the show "Supersize Me" had demonstrated in showing how one's diet psychologically can influence a person. all the fast food crap my mom consumes increases her sense of depression, her weariness and her moodiness. her lack of exercise only pents up all the additional calories that need to be burned. she comes home only more frustrated and unable to do anything yet restless because her health is poor. i have been accused many times in the past of not sympathizing enough with her because she's my mother. however, what if she didn't feel like a mother? what if all you had was a sense of this emptiness inside of you that everytime you come to your biological home, you feel queer? that you feel even more alienated because the care provided is perverse and misunderstood? it's like being inside of a cell. my only sanctuary is my room. fortunately, i do have friends. my best friends are overseas though. occasionally, they drop me emails with their concern about my welfare. i feel like Densha Otoko at those times as my online friends (actually those i've met in the past) have served to be the closest people i've met. here, my friends are cold and distant. i feel little or no connection these days. if you are my friend here and i have offended you greatly, i must apologize. but what i have here is not what i conceive as people i any longer can trust with my problems. my heart and soul are in Japan and i miss it more every day. it truly feels like a disease gnawing at my marrow being here. it's a sickness that i feel, an uneasiness that i had never realized before. when i went to japan, my disease had been cured and i finally felt comfortable with myself. i do not truly consider myself as a horrible person. my environment has tested my heart, soul, patience, mind, and body to the point where i've lost so much faith that i have to locate and utilize these pockets of salvation to prevent myself from completely self-destructing. you have to understand this. i don't want to become a byproduct of a cruel environment. i want to retain my soul and do real good in this world. but i can't in my current state.