Keith Watanabe * NET 2.0

three titles to avoid at all cost: * Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo * The 40 Year-Old Virgin * The Dukes of Hazzard i'm permanently boycotting hollywood. charlie and the chocolate factory was somewhat redeemable mostly because of Johnny Depp (everyone else was absolutely forgetable; come on the original was about Charlie Bucket! This one was all Depp. I mean ALL Depp; that kid had a personality of [excuse the awful pun] a bucket). But the rest of this summer blows. It doesn't just blow, it snorts coke. Hollywood is so bad at this point that they are making bad reruns of bad TV shows. But let's take a quick look at these titles: Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo - Come on! Anything with that SNL one shot reject is going to suck. the only show that portrayed Rob Schneider correctly was South Park when they showed him either as a carrot or a stapler. Then look at this wad of gum under someone's shoe. It's basically cheap laughs and a camera being run around with bad makeup. It's not funny, it's not very original and it's an insult to the word intelligence. Dante once elevated comedy above tragedy because it supposedly lifts the human spirit closer to God. Well, in this case, you're just going to sink back down to Hell because it leaves a rock in your ass. The 40 Year-Old Virgin - Why God why???? At first I was horrified at the thought that this guy who should've been castrated in the first scene might've been a TV series coming up with all the idiotic billboards of his pathetic face blocking out the sunlight around town. Fortunately, i was wrong in my interpretation and that this is only a movie, hopefully doomed to near straight-to-DVD and then stuck in the bottom of a Blockbuster's rack collecting dust, cobwebs and dead spider bodies. Do people enjoy watching other people's insecurities? Or are Americans this insecure that they have to laugh at something so pathetic? Either way, this movie sounds like some should-to-be-laid-off Hollywood scribbler (a writer implies talent) that walked around Sunset Blvd taking survey questions to connect the dots in this utterly offensive thing (for lack of a better term). This is one of those movies where I'd prefer watching Manos: The Hand of Fate and sticking a fork in my eye while having a squirrel eat my left nutsack off rather than bearing witness to another commercial. If America wants to torture Iraqi prisoners, just show them a screening of this. It'll make their heads explode as if they were looking into the Lost Ark of the Covenant. The Dukes of Hazzard - Man, do the bad string of Mr Hankeys continue. They had Herbie, the Bad News Bears, now this (just typing this out is giving me a bowel movement). I think they should just try to remake Manos Hand of Fate at this point. It'll prove that Hollywood is worse than a guy with a $10000 budget and no screenplay since they're into copying bad tv shows/movies. Hell, if you're going to dig into oldies, remake the Black Hole. Come on! I want to see an enlongated version of Yvette Mimieux getting lobotomized. At least Hollywood can't screw that up (oh are my expectations really at rock bottom).....