Keith Watanabe * NET 2.0

if you really know me, you'd really most of my angst comes from constant anxiety. i'm someone that just worries too much about everything. i'm not sure why nor what the real issue is. i'm not certain if it's that i care too much or that i'm scared of something occurring, or both. as you may know, i'm returning to japan shortly. i should be as happy as fuck. no, that's not the case. instead, my mind is more concerned about the little things leading to that point. and not only that i'm thinking march and april. march is when it gets warmer and april is tax time in the states. shit, i haven't even got my visa, and i'm worried about taxes here in America!!! sometimes i feel my brain is too logically structured with layers and layers of complexity. i'm not being conceited here but just revealing how i feel. and the thing is that i'm not saying that complexity is a good thing. it's like i have all this knowledge that i've been accumulating over the years, but with more knowledge comes the penalty of partly understanding your situation. they do say ignorance is bliss. sometimes i admire some of my female friends in japan. like my friend keiko. i shouldn't call her ignorant, but outwardly she's so carefree. she's one of those people that's able to live for the moment and not bother with the future. me, i can't help but look to the future rather than the present. that sometimes paralyzes me into doing nothing. i keep looking at my parents, whom i believe had tried living at the present. so i try to live by the rule that i constantly plan for the future. problem is that you never can predict what will truly happen so your elaborate schemes just go into the toilet. it gets so frustrating at times that it seems easier just taking a gun and blowing your brains out. i feel overwhelmed all the time where i can't concentrate on the simple things. then i do worse and try to overachieve because i'm so ambitious, leading me to do absolutely nothing because i want to accomplish too much at once. what i really need is someone to tell me exactly what to do. like a manager. most of my friends would say that what i need most is a wife. not necessarily a kid, but a good wife to settle me down in a literal sense. i need that woman to take a frying pan and bash my skull in hard enough so those anxiety synapsis get crushed and i don't have to deal with those issues anymore and just live day-to-day.